Test Talk

Mr. Claus, I think we lawmakers are well aware of what people need – we do govern after all and we tell people what they need on a daily basis! You are not starting out on the right foot with us!

Mr. C: Um, Mr. Senator sir, that isn’t what I was saying – and I’m left-footed anyway.

What does that have to do with anything Mr. Clause? Are you being cryptic with us? Are you trying to be evasive and obfuscativatory, er, uh, um, oh yeah – dishonest?

Mr. C: No sir, Mr. Senator sir, I was just pointing out that I am left-footed, not right-footed anyway, so naturally I wouldn’t start out on the right foot.

Ah, I see Mr. Claus, you are a wise guy that is trying to waste our valuable and costly time – we could be enacting fluff laws, crushing bipartisan activity, and having fine and justifiable dinners with lobbyists. But no, we are here listening to your wise cracks. Is that what you want to do, waste the taxpayer’s time?

Mr. C: Um no, Mr. Senator sir, I am just trying to get a little help.

Mr. Claus, everyone that comes through that door is asking for help. Why should we help you instead of that poor orphan in, uh where’s it at, oh yeah – Idaho? Or that unemployed bum in my neighborhood that is bringing down the value of my house by camping in the neighborhood park? Or even that rich fellow that is having the excessive taxation problem on his custom Motor-Home that is being used as a vacation residence with no recourse to a well-deserved homestead exemption? All of these seem to be legitimate problems!

Mr. C: Well, Mr. Senator, if I could get a word in sideways to explain what I mean by help.

There you go again Mr. Claus, not listening to us or paying humble homage to our serious consideration of the problems and economic hardships that are affecting everyone – even us – especially us. Did you know that I have to support two residences, one here and one in my home state? Did you know that I had to get a new license plate for my car that I use here? Why that cost me nearly $100. I even had to buy a stamp to mail a personal letter this morning.

Mr. C: Er, Mr. Senator, what does all this have to do with my asking for help?

Let me get back to you on that. However, Mr. Claus, rumor has it that you took a private Jet here from your office at um, where, ah, just exactly where is your office?

Mr. C: Mr. Senator sir, it wasn’t a Jet, it was a Sleigh and my office is at the North Pole.

Aha Mr. Claus, well, I bet that was excessively expensive – a private Sleigh – why can’t you take regular transportation and sit in coach like everyone else? Well, uh, everyone but us Senators – security risk, you know – we are safer in First Class.

Mr. C: Well, if you must know, Mr. Senator, there is no other transportation to and from the North Pole. No trains, no jets, no cars. There aren’t even any roads for cars. My Sleigh is the only thing that goes from the North Pole to anywhere else.

Ah, so I see what you’re after Mr Claus! You want to circumvent the normal bureaucracy and you want us to authorize the building of roads and infrastructure. I’ve seen that show about those Ice Roads. Nut Jobs if you ask me what with driving those 18 wheelers and big rigs on thin ice.

Mr. C: Again, Mr. Senator, you aren’t letting me get my statement out . . .

And those guys get paid way too much. Normal truckers don’t get paid that much and they drive on regular ordinary everyday economically and environmentally sound concrete and tar. They should get paid more for driving on proper materials, but no – drive on ice and you get the premium – just like sitting in a big leather chair and you get the premium. I think that is one of the problems: executive salaries. Well, you run a business Mr. Claus and I bet you get some exorbitant pay for very little hard work while your workers get the shaft? Would you be willing to work for a dollar?

Mr. C: Well, Mr. Senator sir. You see,

Aha!!! Got you now. You’re not willing to work for a dollar while you workers are starving. Shame on you, Mr. Claus.

Mr. C: But, I don’t take any pay at all, Mr. Senator – it just wouldn’t be right. And my workers are extremely well fed – they get the same exact food that I do and as you can see, I am not a small man.

Ho, Ho, Mr. Claus, I see. It is Health Insurance that you need help with. You have an obese worker population.

Mr. C: No sir, Mr. Senator sir. My Elves are covered by Reindeer Magic – they don’t get sick and they don’t have a want or care in the world.

Aha, so your workers don’t care about their work? Is that what I’m hearing Mr. Claus?

Mr. C: I give up, Mr. Senator sir. There is just no dealing with you people – I would give you all lumps of coal in your stockings, but.

You have coal reserves, Mr. Claus!!! Well, why didn’t you say so – what do you need? How can we help?

Mr. C: You actually want coal in your stockings, Mr. Senator sir? Anyway, there is a big demand for these electronic gadgets, and I’m sorry to say that my elves are good with wood but they get way out of their comfort zone dealing with these ‘semi-conductor’ thingies. Their idea of chips have to do with either wood shavings or reindeer leftovers. So, I heard that there were many of these silicon design and test engineers out of work and looking for jobs. I thought I could use some of them to move into the electronic gadget market.

You want our unemployed engineers Mr. Claus…well those are our unemployed engineers. It is up to our government to make sure that they are ineffective and under-employed to our standards. We can’t be giving them to some other country. Why, you might abuse them with real work or do something sneaky like calling it out-sourcing – or you might build up an infrastructure and then not need them anymore. Then where would we all be?

Mr. C: I’m not sure I get your point, Mr. Senator sir – you have unemployed engineers, but you don’t want me to provide jobs for them, and you don’t want me to move into the electronic gadget market?

Well, Mr. Clause, when you put it that way – okay, you can have some of them, but we will have to put in some severe and strict regulations to keep you from being competitive with any other, uh, mythical beings that live in inhospitable places. First, you can only work on modern cutting-edge future green stuff like self-powered, solar-powered nano-toy technologies; second, you can only employ the engineers within our tax districts so we can collect taxes on them; third, you must agree to bring your elves’ salaries in line with the salaries of similar competitive foreign companies doing business in our tax domain.

Mr. C: I think I can live with that, Mr. Senator sir. I have looked into the nano-toy technology before and figured out that it makes toys so small they can’t be seen by the naked eye – not really very useful. But in batches of a few million, they just look a lot like dust.

Nevertheless, Mr. Claus, those are our conditions. If you want to use our unemployed engineers, you will have to ensure that everyone gets lots of coal in their stockings, that your elves pay taxes like everyone else, and that all the children get nano-toys. Now if you will excuse me, I have to grill the next helpful company executive like a fish.

Now, Mr. Joe, I understand that you have a technology known as YieldAssist that could be brought to bear on this nano-toy problem. That it can actually tell the difference from one invisible nano-scale toy and another – er, how do you feel about getting paid in lumps of coal? And so it continues . . .

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